Chasing (im)perfection: When the mask of perfection becomes a prison
April 12, 2026
Our subconscious is a relentless mechanism. Our lives are often guided not by conscious decisions, but by a blind autopilot programmed by our surroundings, which can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can lead us to places with beautiful views, but on the other, it can trap us in a dead end. There, a person becomes stuck fulfilling the expectations of others, driven by a single relentless pattern: "We've done it this way so far, so we must continue."Therefore, talking about achieving absolute authenticity is absurd. We will always be influenced to some degree by external factors that shape our perception of ourselves and the world around us. The starting line simply isn't the same for everyone. Some have the privilege of being shaped by a healthy environment, inheriting a natural resilience to resist pressure.Regardless of that, the real battle for each of us is ultimately deciding how much space we allow this external influence to take.
I, too, boarded this autopilot of foreign ambitions. I took my instilled identity—the expectations others placed on me—and elevated it to an absolute law. With fanatical dedication, I started pushing my performance in sports, studies, work... I didn't ask why. I rushed forward with the conviction that superficial perfection would save me from the feeling of inferiority and inner emptiness.
Rigidity Instead of Growth
What was once a foreign dictate suddenly became my voluntary obsession. It was my attempt at the perfect compensation for a lack of self-worth. Carl Rogers calls this process conditional positive regard. It is a state where a person prefers to stop trusting their own feelings and needs, just to please others and not lose their favor.
If parents offer the child only conditional positive regard—valuing them only when they behave, think, or feel correctly—the child's self-concept is likely to become distorted.
Quote— Nolen-Hoeksema, Fredrickson, Loftus • s. 564[1]This was exactly my case. My "adopted identity" wasn't built on who I am, but on what I could deliver. James Marcia defines this identity state as foreclosure.
Foreclosure. People in this state have already taken occupational and ideological positions, but show no signs of having gone through an identity crisis. [...] They give the impression that they would be lost if their rules and unexamined values were subjected to a major life test.
Quote— Nolen-Hoeksema, Fredrickson, Loftus • s. 130[1]
Achieving Absolute Imperfection
The irony of my efforts was that the pursuit of perfection led me exactly where I didn't want to be. To absolute imperfection. The more I tried to approach the image of a perfect person, the unhappier I became.
Rogers also proposed the idea that each of us has an ideal self, an image of the kind of person we would like to be. The closer the ideal self is to the real self, the more satisfied and happier the person is. A large discrepancy between the ideal and real self breeds a dissatisfied and unhappy person.
Quote— Nolen-Hoeksema, Fredrickson, Loftus • s. 563[1]I realized that for years I had been laboriously building a heavy roof with absolutely no foundation underneath. A broken leg then just finished the job—it bluntly showed me that without my extreme routine, I had no idea what to do with myself. I remained trapped in my own body, completely "incapable of life".
Individuals whose self-concept does not match their feelings and experiences must protect themselves from the truth, because the truth would cause anxiety. If the gap between the self and reality widens too much, the individual's defense may collapse, resulting in severe anxiety or other forms of psychological disorders.
Quote— Nolen-Hoeksema, Fredrickson, Loftus • s. 563[1]
But it was precisely this absolute paralysis that forced me to face the truth. I discovered that what is pulling me to the ground isn't just the fall itself. It's what I have been clutching so convulsively in my own hands all this time..
References:
Nolen-Hoeksema, Fredrickson, Loftus•(2012)•Psychologie Atkinsonové a Hilgarda•ISBN 978-80-262-0083-3[1]
